How To Handle Criticism Like A Pro
Criticism is never easy to take or deliver. However, criticism often gets a bad rap. There are several good aspects to criticism that uplift the receiver and guide them in a better direction. The problem lies in the communication, delivery, and emotional elements. When one or all of these are less than optimal, criticism quickly turns into what most people think of it as—a personal dig. We live in a society that’s quick to respond and, unfortunately, retaliate. We’ve also become hypersensitive. Perhaps justifiably so, thanks to all the ways to hide behind a screen and safely and freely criticize. Yikes!
So, that brings us back to the challenge of handling criticism like a pro.
That’s a considerable promise, and though this piece is designed to help you thoughtfully navigate both the helpful and hurtful criticism, it takes practice to separate the constructive from the unjustifiable censor. But to make it in this world, in the workplace, in the creative space, in school, in business, or even in line at the grocery store, you’ve got to build some criticism chops. In other words, learning how to deliver criticism thoughtfully and graciously accept it requires proficiency and patience.
Let’s start with what criticism is and what it’s not.
Ironically, textbook dictionaries define criticism as delivering statements about what is bad, unfair, or unfavorable about something. Hmm. Thankfully, more contemporary resources use phrases such as constructive commentary, critical feedback, supportive insight, assessment, and analysis. Interesting how, over time, the definition of criticism has evolved to be more proactive and positively reinforcing. Still, our interpretation of it remains “prehistoric.”
Criticism is not a definitive judgment or disapproval of an individual or their service, product, or work. Instead, it’s feedback suggesting possible improvement. Delivered harshly, it’s no longer considered criticism but wielding words with the intent to harm. It doesn’t fit the definition. But insight delivered with helpful intent is criticism. The key there is “helpful.” This doesn’t mean you need to accept the criticism. But once the “sting” of not being perfect wears off, if the feedback is insightful, it might be worth considering.
As mentioned, giving and receiving criticism takes practice. Like anything that helps you improve in life, it requires effort. And this doesn’t come easily.
“When you’ve poured your heart and soul into a piece of writing, it’s hard to see criticism as anything other than a personal attack,” says S.M. Stevens, award-winning author. “It’s normal to feel defensive. But if you can put aside your emotions and react objectively, your work will benefit.” As an author, she knows the challenge of accepting criticism but has seen her share of feedback that’s less a helpful critique and more an agenda-driven approach.
“The hardest type of criticism to accept is criticism you disagree with,” she says. For example, some criticism is stylistic rather than content-related, with the manager or editor trying to impose their style on the writer (although this is entirely justified if the work is a speech or article attributed to another’s name). Criticism is also frustrating when the deliverer is not qualified to comment on the topic or clearly doesn’t understand the context or goal. Criticism delivered with a heavy hand can be harder to take than guidance delivered tactfully, and anyone raised to believe they are always right will have a particularly tough time accepting constructive criticism. But they must accept it if they want to succeed.”
Sometimes, feedback stems from a limited view, presenting challenges for both parties involved. When this happens, it becomes more difficult to accept input from such a narrow perspective.
“Because criticism offered from a position of judgment is usually based on the person’s own experience, perspective, or what they would do,” says AJ Maddeny, Strategic Conflict Advisor and author of Divorce: Emergency Protocol. He believes this limited view creates conflict because the person delivering the criticism is stuck in one perspective, while the recipient is living the entire situation. “The judgment is based on a snapshot assumption that cannot possibly include the nuance and reality of the situation. This turns the criticism into a power move, diminishing the standing and agency of the person being criticized.” When he works with clients in conflict resolution, he aims to help them see the bigger picture and move forward with clarity and understanding.
Though it’s sometimes hard to accept, most criticism is given to help the other person grow. When you keep this in mind, it’s easier to filter out the limited or judgmental feedback and focus on the constructive criticism with its intended purpose.
“For some reason, we’ve become terrified of being criticized at work, at home, or on social media,” says Allison Minutillo, Founder & CEO of Maestra, LLC. “But, what if we stopped and thought about the greatest of all time athletes, coaches, and leaders? Do we truly believe they got to the highest levels of success with praise alone? Tom Brady. Bill Belichick. Steve Jobs. Sara Blakely. We inherently know they were pushed, defeated, criticized—and that it fueled their deep desire to succeed. I believe the biggest benefit of criticism is when you are open to first listening, then acting on it to realize what you’re truly capable of. Hands down, the number one benefit of criticism is growth.”
Honest constructive criticism isn’t personal.
Knowing that criticism is about improving efforts, products, or behaviors, rather than character or you as a person, makes all the difference. It’s an exchange of valuable information. If you’re a writer, criticism is part of the author’s journey. There are very few, if any, authors and writers who nailed their bestseller on the first draft.
“Remember, it’s about a product—a piece of work that requires the input of several or many, and that may better achieve the result if said differently,” says S.M. “When writing novels, a good rule of thumb is that if several beta readers or editors say the same thing, you’d be wise to listen!”
“Criticism says more about the person giving it,” says A.J. “For one, they may feel powerless to make the change they’re arguing for. Or they’re worried for you, out of care or love. Meet them where they are. Being frustrated will make you defensive, forcing you to justify and make excuses. Keep your power, and exercise your right to listen, but not necessarily agree. That is how you assert your agency.” She stresses that even though feedback may be well-intended, it may not be helpful. That’s okay. Extend gratitude for their willingness to share. If the exchange doesn’t serve either party, tactfully redirect the conversation onto a neutral and less emotional topic.
“The human brain is wired to perceive criticism as a threat, which is why our immediate reaction is often defensive, because at the heart of criticism it is by definition a judgement,” says Beverly Flores, Founder of Thyme Out Consulting. “My single best piece of advice is to stop calling it criticism and start calling it data. Data isn’t personal; it’s simply information. This reframe short-circuits our defensive autopilot and allows us to shift from reacting to observing.” She also stresses the importance of reframing through the use of reflective questions, including ‘What is the bigger picture I can frame this in?’ and ‘How does this feedback fit into the professional narrative I want to build for myself?’
“Just as our brain can misidentify feedback as a threat, it also requires proof to think differently,” says Beverly. “A key to building that trust that we are safe is applying it consistently in observing our behavioral response. When we create the space to review data, it in turn allows us to discern the value and applicability. From there, we can then choose where we spend our energy and the value it returns.”
In addition to shifting perspectives and reframing, build your criticism muscle through routine asking for feedback and seeking out opportunities to deliver it thoughtfully.
“Giving and receiving criticism are muscles everyone must practice strengthening,” says Allison. The more we practice delivering difficult feedback and criticism of someone’s work in a professional setting, the more we learn how to provide it with empathy & encouragement. It becomes more manageable and less daunting to deliver it when you’ve tried and failed in the past. Alternatively, receiving criticism is a honed skill. I used to put a wall up and think the person was criticizing who I was as a person. But the true leaders, teachers, and coaches don’t waste their time attacking those they don’t believe in. Once you recognize that they’re giving you a gift of explaining how you’re being perceived, your growth will be exponential. Take a deep breath, take it with grace, and open your ears!”
“Viewing someone’s feedback as an opportunity to improve yourself will make you feel comfortable with criticism,” says Jessica Plonchak, LCSW, Clinical Director at Choice Point HealthShe also recommends practicing active listening. “It is essential to listen to someone who is sharing their perspective about you and resist the urge to react or respond immediately. After careful listening and taking a moment before reacting, you will understand that feedback is just an addition for your betterment, and it is not a reflection of your worth and capabilities.”
If you recall, this article aims to help you better understand criticism for what it’s worth. When you’ve broken it down to genuine constructive feedback, don’t react; instead, take a moment to sit with it. Then look for the helpful information, or, as Beverly states, critical data. Gems are hidden within. Mine for valuable insights and apply them accordingly.
These steps, along with those mentioned earlier, require practice, patience, positivity, and, most importantly, self-compassion. When you consistently follow these strategies and combine them with your own, you will soon learn to handle criticism like a pro.
I hope this article provided you with a few applicable ideas. I would be honored if you shared this on social media. And speaking of sharing, please share your ideas and experiences below. Together, we can build an uplifting community that supports each other’s happiness, well-being, creativity, and success.
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